embem, Breaking Out of Food Jail is the key to putting the anorexic lifestyle and all its horrific baggage behind you once and for all.  Your body needs the make up food in order for it to get on the right track, off the FF cycle, stabilize, and start losing.  It is just best not to interfere.  Let your body do what it needs to do.  Give it what it is asking for, and stay out of it’s way.  Stick to the principles in the book.  Keep re-reading it.  Nothing will work like it should if you deviate from the book.  It will only set you back, and you don’t want that.

One thing that has helped me get through the weight gain phase is knowing there is nothing defective with my body.  This is how it was designed.  I was responsible for the famines, and my body reacted accordingly to those famines.  With the weight gain, this is how our bodies are designed.  Be glad that yours is responding like it should when applying the NT principles.  This is what happened to all the women in those case studies in the book.  YOU may not like it, but there’s really nothing you can do about it, except enjoy all the delicious healthy food.  Isn’t it wonderful not to go hungry?  I think of myself in pictures when I was thin. Yes, I LOOKED fantastic!  But no one knows but me, when looking at them, how much effort, deprivation, and depression I was suffering to look like that. It was sheer misery, there’s no other way to describe it.  And I knew it wasn’t healthy and it felt wrong. The motivation for me comes from knowing I don’t have to suffer like that anymore.  I will be Naturally-Thin when this process is over, and I will have done it without suffering, without hunger.  That gives me the confidence to carry on.  I know what you mean about the family gatherings, but now I look forward to them.  Before I used to secretly long to devour all the desserts.  It is so easy now because desserts don’t appeal to me.  My mind was always in “another place” when I was dieting, like I wasn’t really “there”, or the real me wasn’t there.  I think that’s how it is when you are starving yourself. I would search out for distractions not to eat, no matter what they were, like trying to get out of big family meals, parties, picnics, etc.  I love feeling normal again and a part of life.  My suggestion is to just start embracing all the positive aspects of NT.  Maybe you can relate to some that I’ve mentioned, or have some of your own.  This program is worth all the initial weight gain, the bigger sizes, the self-consciousness about being seen by others, the long plateaus, because you will be able to put all of your weight problems behind you once and for all.  You have your whole life ahead of you, and NT is the only way you’ll never have to worry about weight again.  You should be ecstatic you found out about it!  Try to let that happiness come through in your day-to-day-life and it will help you stop worrying about other peoples’ perceptions! 

Swan

what may come

Wow, that was my response and you beat me to it!
It is important to acknowledge the fear you feel.  Don’t deny it, but don’t let it run your life anymore either.  You can be afraid and continue to make the right choices for your body and for your life.  Keep your lifelong recovery in mind as much as possible so that you’ll be able to face up to the scary changes and potential struggles of your “breaking out” path.
And as far as what other people think about you, my mother used to say, “Don’t worry about what other people are thinking about you because they’re not thinking about you at all.”  Try thinking about others with compassion and grace and understanding and let their thinking be their own private business.
Sincerely,
Jean

I appreciate both of your replies. I’ve been reminding myself everyday now, that my body is not defective. My steady weight gain (exactly 3 pounds per week, as measured by my counselor) is a positive sign that I’m feeding my body enough so that it can quickly recover from whatever damage I’ve caused in the past year. Any other positive thoughts? Even though I’ve read some of this advice in the book, it’s always good to hear it reinforced from other sources.

Embem, you talked about your fear of other’s seeing you and what their perceptions will be back at school.  Well, I agree with Jean and tell myself others are so concerned with themselves that the last thing on their minds is me.  But over the weekend I was at a family gathering.  A gal (whom I know well, trust, love, and know would not intentionally lie to me) came up to me and said “I’ve noticed you’ve put on some weight, and you look soooo healthy!”  She went on to say that when she last saw me (pre-NT) I was looking a little too thin.  I would have never expected a compliment for gaining weight, but I’m starting to realize that skin and bones looks just as bad on me as it does on everyone else.  I thought I was immune to that!  And while I was thinking I probably looked just a little too fleshy, she was saying how wonderfully healthy I looked! So we don’t always see the GOOD things that others see.  And lucky for this gal, we had time to talk about what I was doing and I even had a copy of “How to Become NT By Eating More” in my car and loaned it to her!  She seemed quite interested in it as she’s had her weight ups and downs and has been on every diet that has come down the pike.  So if anything embem, it is much more likely that people would view your weight gain in a positive way.  How great that compliment made me feel!  So be prepared to start receiving some, and be very grateful for them!!

Swan

weight gain

Embem,
You are doing a very courageous and life-changing thing You are giving your body a chance to be its best, healthiest and strongest—the way it was designed to be.  You are rejecting the cultural myth that being under weight is a good thing, something worth giving your life for.  You are one of the few (only a very small percentage of eating disordered people recover) who has been able to choose life and health over the lie of ultra-thinness.  Do not give up.  Your body knows what to do.  Just do your job and let your recovery unfold.
Sincerely,
Jean

On the subject of going back to college-

I was out on a jog with some girls I met in my boat club. As we were finishing up Alice, a very thin but very fit and cheerful girl, bumped into an old acquaintance, Ann. Ann looked, pale, scarily thin, she was smoking a cigarette. Her apathetic reaction to seeing an old classmate just brought back that whiff of desperation, self-destruction, hatred, self-loathing that anorexia brings. I was never as bad as that but it reminded me of all that horror.

So I later asked Alice- “is that girl well, she doesn’t look well”
I found out that she dropped out of school half way to be hospitalised, that was 3 years ago. She obviously recovered some function as she is in college now.
I felt sorry for her, I wish I could just take her hand and pull her out of it.

But also I felt proud of myself. I was a bit like that girl this time last year. And now I am able to do sports with friends, I have interests, I am happy with my appearance and very confident of it.
So for everyone on this forum- you should be very proud of yourselves for the steps you are taking towards loving your body and your mind.

(the names are all made up)